Get Ready because this Post will be the Post of all Posts, intense, raw, and it will be my first time and last time writing about it………

Current Feeling: Anger

Underlying Feeling: Desperation

My Mom called yesterday, dangling the good old carrot, in case you all did not already know I have not involved my parents in my life for almost 2 years now………

There's a whole lot of singing it's never gonna be heard
Disappearing every day without so much as a word somehow
I think I broke the wings off that little songbird
She's never gonna fly to the top of the world
Right now, top of the world…..

This was my independence day, my manipulative mother was at it again, telling Jayson that he could not go into the house when me and Elijah go with her the next day to an appointment, that he had to stay in the hot trailer in the middle of a heat wave, no air conditioning….

Location: We had just arrived at my Aunt and Uncle’s for a BBQ

She conviently started this crap when my Stepdad was out of ear shot…..

Jayson tells her that it is no way to treat a guest and she gets up and goes to my Stepdad, he comes out pointing his finger and yelling, tearing him apart as a Man, Father, and a Husband, right in his face as if he is going to hit him, Jayson says “go ahead and hit me then” and he simply says “oh I want to!”……

Meanwhile Elijah is amongst all this crying, everything felt like slow motion to me, I sat there and then it felt like someone taking my hand and standing me up and I found myself in between them and told my Stepdad to “back off, you do not know what your talking about”………..

My mom sat there crying, confused to why she has to be picked on as she stated, my Aunt and Uncle look on from a distance in horror, it only gets worse from here, I scream at my Stepdad telling him I want to go home and no not his home my home in Kingston, and he threatens to take me without my belongings and I tell him no I need my things and my cat that are in his trailer, Jayson meanwhile is so mad bites his lip and blood gushes everywhere……Jay says to my mother “are you happy now?!” and she says “I did not do anything!”…….

We go home and get my things I take everything, knowing this is a step in my life that needs taking, Elijah is oblivious, quiet, we pile into the truck and head back to Kingston, everyone silent……We get here unload, I still have to go back down and get Elijah, I am shaking, I pick him up and my mom tries to kiss me as if nothing has happened, I pull away before she can, my Stepdad reams into me as “I don’t know how you can live with that man, I can’t fffffing stand him!”……

I walk to the door and look back at my mother and say “you will reap what you sow!” she begins to yell and I yell back telling her “oh no you don’t not here not on my turf!” an annoying voice is heard it is my StepDad “goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!....” he continues as if he is a little child and I look at him and say “oh F! off!” he says “I’ll remember this!” I walk inside crying cradling Elijah, at this point I am sobbing uncontrollably, I get back up stairs and Elijah is crying because he does not understand……..I could hardly breathe….that was the day I became free………

History you need to know:

My Stepdad molested me as a child and pre-teen, I tried to get help but no one believed me so I took it back making me look like the liar and they fed on that, they began to shove money my way, hush money?, they told me every day I would not find love, that I was worthless, and ugly…….I prayed for death a lot, depression was there always growing up, being put on salad diets at age 8, thrown outside naked cause I peed the bed, laughed at, humiliated, being slapped when they felt like it, they isolated me, especially after I ran away twice, I was desperate for freedom……My mom has MS, Multiple Sclerosis, after she was diagnosed life changed, and I had a predator I had no idea about……fear was my best friend, I never felt safe not for one minute with them………..

I am not exaggerating….these are not the words of a bitter daughter that was just spoiled, these are the words from a little girl that was abused in all senses and rejected….I always had to beg for a hug and the words I love you would only come when strings or conditions were attached……

I tried many times to commit suicide, I cut myself……I was screaming so loud inside, I hated myself……………..

All I had was the hope of going away to college, and I counted down the days, then I made it away from them but never fully understood what to do with that freedom, it was like I was kept in a cage for my whole life then shoved out of it and abandoned……

Met Jayson, my eyes were opened…..but it took me 7 years to truly see…..

They would try to parent Elijah tell me I was always wrong in anything I was doing, Jay and I argued a lot because of them, they were the toxic in my life……

……After August 7^th, 2006 she would call, and call, and then time would go by, she told my side of the family that Jayson abuses me, and also threatened them not to talk to me or else……..hence my Grandmother too afraid to talk to me because my Mother gives her money and security…….

IN these past 2 years I have been more happy, more me, I have transformed, finally being the me that God wants me to be, she made me dependant on her for so long, I have independence now, freedom, or do I?

She keeps calling, every month or couple of months, never wanting to take ownership, wanting to sweep it under the rug, and I refuse to do that this time, it has been the hardest decision I have ever made in my life, but it is the right decision, the safe decision for my children and my family…….

The Carrot she dangled was the “something I bought you” as if I can be bought!!!

She knows where I stand yet the games continue, feel like my life is in play mode and when she pulls this someone hits pause!

I feel a lot of rage, a lot of pain, I am currently working through that, but there are times where the rage gets so bad I can not swallow or breathe, all I can think of is my kids and their safety…..

The sad thing is I do not think I ever loved my Stepdad, nope I didn’t….I love her still, only the good parts, but it can never be the way it was, I am no longer walking backwards, I am going forward………

I am grieving too, my family has turned their backs on me, I have lost, but I have gained so much! She never (my mom) never really knew me nor wanted to I guess…..

She is threatening to come here tomorrow, I won’t be here I got things to be done like errands etc, she asked me to call her back, and I am not going to! I am done with the games, the abuse……..

I spent 24 years of my life being abused, being beat down, no more!

I am still on my journey to being healed…I know the day will come where there will be no more rage, or pain, but at the present time it is high and the wound still raw and the salt keeps being rubbed in…..

There is so much more I did not write about…..but this I think is enough for you all to understand where I am coming from……..

I wrote this:

In the silence it finds me...
The quilt, the pain, the anger...
It sweeps upon me like a hungry predator that hasn't ate for days...
It takes one move and it's sharp teeth snap my neck...
It is hard to breathe...
The only thing comforting is the sight of my own blood...
A reminder that I exist, atleast until this predator devours me and finishes me off...
Tears won't help any longer; screaming only makes the predator more aggressive...
Attempts of my stretched out fingers clawing at the floor to get away only seems to accomplish nothing except making them bleed...
The feeling of surrender washes over me, and I become still, I lay there, eyes closed, and I open...
The predator stops unsure of what is happening, taken back at the lack of my struggle...
Then the unpredictable happens...
Peace, Freedom, and Prayer...A wind is blown into me...my breathe returned...
The predator cringes at my words, it hisses at my outward expression of acceptance, and embrace of God's Will...
The predator begins to back away, afraid, unsure, trembling at the sight of my healing...
The wound on my neck no longer bleeding, my fingers dry and no evidence of a struggle...
My eyes open, I sit up, and look at the predator now shaking in the corner...
I rise, and slowly walk towards it, slowly reaching out my hand...
As I get closer the predators' image starts to change...
As I become face to face with this predator that once seemed so lethal and menacing I notice something...
I recognize it...
It is a child...shaking and in fear...she is naked and alone, she bears wounds across her body...She wears many scars, as if they were her clothing...
My hand connects with hers, there's a flash of light I am blinded, and a wave of realization washes over me...
It is me, the child; it is me, who I was...
I was my own predator...

I do not know what tomorrow is going to bring my family, but I do know I have one thing and that is God's protection!

He will not leave me nor forsake me!