Just a curious me wondering...
Anyway...
I have made a discovery about myself recently, I get really uncomfortable in situations where I am in groups of people....
Take my Fruit Party, I mean I planned it, it took a few months for me to perfect it, I get to Jo's and felt myself wanting to retreat away from Dunham Street as fast as I could, hostess? who me? yes me!, and I found myself either unable to speak correctly or I was totally in my opinion obnoxious and overly joking....I did not know what to do with myself...my hands were fidgety, and my nerves, well I felt anxious...I had a good time, but at the same time felt all this.....
I have noticed that I get like this when grocery shopping, or running errands, I get all shaky at times, or atleast I feel like I am vibrating like crazy, and when someone is with me other than my kids I apologize quite a bit, and all that other person can do is tell me to relax, and I am like relax? are you joking? me relax? HA! not going to happen, because the harder I try to relax the more fidgety and uneasy it makes me...
Sometimes I ask myself, will I ever just be normal?, that questions always gets followed up by, what is normal anyway?....
I always thought God called us Christians to be leaders, he also asks us to be fisher's, fisher's of men/women, I often am slotted in the observer column, I am a watcher, in group settings if I am not the hostess you will often find me quiet in a corner observing, this mind you has also slotted me in the anti-social column, and that was others who were unaware that that is what I do, I like to remember everything about a moment, colors, smells, sounds, facial expressions, and emotions....
I guess the only thing I can do is ask the Father to give me more confidence in myself in leadership positions, also to help me not to be afraid of just being myself, flaws and all, because if they're not my friends after they see me for me, then they are not worth the sweat......My Self-Worth is not to be found in others but inside of me and from the Father.....
All those lies from the enemy implanted through the lips of my parents all those years, the damage done is taking longer than I thought it would be to be healed.....
I just want to get it Back 2 Good...
3 comments:
I thought you did a great job hostessing the fruit party and I think you are a GREAT mom. You are so good with E. You are breaking your familys legacy.
Knowing that you are LOVED by the Father in every morsel of your being as you grow to know him more and more will always bring more peace.
But you do sound completely normal to me!
God didn't make us cookie cutter Christians. He loves us all uniquely and has tasks and plans for us that are all unique. God's great like that!
James doesn't want to go to Church in the rain.
I don't think I am going to pass the word verification question below- try #2-
BTW James thought the title of this post was "Back to God"
aaaaaaa...you speak to my inner anxiety ridden self. You weren't weird or fidgety - at least from my point of view. Self image, however, whether physical or emotional/mental is never usually what other people perceive it to be. For instance, I am such a dork at times....I thought blueberries were cranberries! and I totally didn't get your jokes even though they were great ones (once they were explained tome)
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