I'm Letting Go....

I am happy......

I am.....

I love my boys, so thankful for them....

I love my husband, so in love, he is my best friend, everything....

Then how come at times I am so sad?

Clouds of sadness drift in every once and a while....

It makes me angry...

Usually fear can follow it at times, fear to let people in and get close to me...

I am often to forgotten, the abandoned, the shunned, the unworthy...

I do not want to receive any of that anymore...

There is so much more to me than Kelly the obnoxious, or Kelly the Mother and Wife!

I know I can sound pretty annoying sometimes, but I have drive and determination, and my heart is in everything I do....

But some do not see things the way I do...not at all...

I know I am intense, and I feel deep, gripping passion alot of the time about things....

When is it going to be ok to just be me? I mean to have people accept me Just as I am?

Ugh I am starting to sound like a sad Country Song LOL!

Sometimes I get so sad and frustrated I want to go to a field and just scream and scream and cry until it is all out of me....but look out your window...no fields close by LOL!

I am missing people too, and not just Jo, but Matt and Tamara in India, Kaleena and Brian in Alberta, even Erika, but she is just in Kitchener LOL!

I am dealing with a bit right now....especially trying to feel worthy enough in certain friendships, but I decided all I need is God, my boys, and Jayson, so I am letting go, letting go of looking for my self-worth in other people....

So if I can manage that the next thing I need to finally let go is the hardest thing, so hard in fact I am in massive tears at the moment....

I need to let go of the pain, anger, and everything to do with my parents, and I need to stop mourning things I never had, like feeling safe as a child or just being held by my Mother, you know just cause she wanted to, not because I begged her to hug me like I did many times growing up....

The truth of the matter is this: I am a wounded woman, scarred completely, half-full of anger, half-full of pain and heat ache, and I do not want to feel this anymore, nor have it in my life anymore, so I am letting it go, I have to because if I do not it will consume me for the rest of my life and I will not really live my life, but simply just watch it pass me on by...

Time to start a new chapter in my book, no more re-reading past chapters....