Life has been odd for me for a while, I have recently found myself caught in the past, present, and the future...

Struggling with how to define myself...

And realized that I had been defining myself by how everyone else had defined me, not at all how God defines me...

There are many sides to me, of that makes sense?

There are times where I can ultimately stand up for what I believe in and what I believe to be truth, and then there are moments that I am at my weakest, I mean so weak to the point where I hide and am ashamed of showing just how weak I am.....

Lately with everyone that I have been close to for many years being gone, strung around the world, I have this feeling in the pit of my being, and it is a feeling that I do not feel like myself, it is like a quiet storm brewing in my being, chaos, and to be honest I think it is a resistance to change.....

I get comfortable in my environment and therefore I do not want it to change, I allow fear to become my state of being and desperation lurks in because I do not want to be alone again....

My whole life people have left me, and no I am not trying to tell a sob story, it is merely fact, but God has revealed lately that in my present the people who have left me recently, well it just is not the same as in my past, and I had indeed confused the two...

See I was so dependent before, in my past on my parents, God is now thrusting me into my independence the only way he can, by stripping me of everyone I would 'lean' on....

It is like he is showing me change is okay, that it does not need to be painful, but rejuvenating...
The other night I was prayed over, imparted upon, and through that I was told I was to go to the Nations, and that right now God was placing people around the world in order for me to have those contact to each 'corner' of the world, and as I heard and received that I really thought about it, and if you think about all my friends who have gone, and all my friends in the States it is like God sprinkled them gingerly over the world......

And although I miss them terribly, and sometimes I know I will still cry and miss them so, that dark cloud over me since they left, was lifted, and I can only feel the warmth of the Sun now.....