Book of Love!

Got up, bathed the Boys, Elijah and I went to the Market for Veggies and Fruit, I now want to start supporting the local farmers......

Stopped at Starbucks, confused the poor girl, took Michelle a Cafe Latte etc etc etc, was nice seeing her, and nice knowing that this time around God put in place a few people for me, so I not to feel entirely like a black cloud is hanging over me.....

HE is teaching me to trust....

She gave Elijah some glow in the dark stickers, and bubbles in eye shaped containers, on the way home in the bus he was all like "no Mommy these are my Michelle Things no touching!..."

Ha ha!

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Today Jo sets flight.....first to see her brother Christopher and his wife Jen, then on beautiful wings from there into the arms of her love...

Makes me teary eyed thinking about their story and how God so uniquely knitted that all together, also teary because she is a dear friend whom I hold close to my heart, and although I am so happy and rejoicing with her, I will miss her and the light she brought into my life everyday!

This Song is for Joanna and Hugh!

Whenever I hear it, I think of them!

Love Stories like theirs are rare, and breath taking!

Their Story is definitely in the Book of Love!

On Bended Knee

Here I sit...

Trying to keep busy so to not think of it...

Resisting Isolation is hard...

All my life it was so easy to shut down and stay in neutral...

To keep my head down and keep going and be the caretaker in my home...

You all have no idea the struggle, the battle, the war I fight within myself everyday...

It is very very, I mean extremely hard for me to trust people and make friends, and I am scared too...

Imagine that, me scared? hmmm...

It seems I get close to people and then they leave...
I am always the supportive friend, and the friend that always says goodbye to people...

I mean I have no family, they all turned their backs on me, Jayson's family is no better, I just feel alone alot, like it is just Jay and me and the kids and no one else....

I have made connections with a few people, and I am scared, I am happy to of made those connections, but I am scared, you know?

Ya...

"When darkness falls upon your heart and soul.
I'll be the light that shines for you.
When you forget how beautiful you are
I'll be there to remind you..."

"...I'll be the rock that will be strong for you.
The one that will hold on to you.
When you feel that rain falling down.
When there's nobody else around.
I'll be..."

(Lines from Reba's I'll Be.)

Went to War...

I am on Empty right now...

Went to Brockville for a few days, it was hell on earth, did Spiritual Warefare......

Was in a house full of demons and dark forces, a Sylvia Browne Book, she kept touching her third eye, talk about reincarnation, judgments were made, Elijah was scared, heart was racing, children not feeling safe, and a crib mysteriously collapsing, also someone touched my leg in the night and no one was there....

I feel like I have been hit by a Mack Truck!

Never again...Never Again.....Nope....Never!

While Praying kept hearing a name Clarissa??????

Came home and got some heart breaking news.......

But at the same time good news, does that make sense?

Feeling Empty.......Will I ever fill up again?

Back 2 Good

How come you guys only comment on my 'normal' posts?
Just a curious me wondering...

Anyway...

I have made a discovery about myself recently, I get really uncomfortable in situations where I am in groups of people....

Take my Fruit Party, I mean I planned it, it took a few months for me to perfect it, I get to Jo's and felt myself wanting to retreat away from Dunham Street as fast as I could, hostess? who me? yes me!, and I found myself either unable to speak correctly or I was totally in my opinion obnoxious and overly joking....I did not know what to do with myself...my hands were fidgety, and my nerves, well I felt anxious...I had a good time, but at the same time felt all this.....

I have noticed that I get like this when grocery shopping, or running errands, I get all shaky at times, or atleast I feel like I am vibrating like crazy, and when someone is with me other than my kids I apologize quite a bit, and all that other person can do is tell me to relax, and I am like relax? are you joking? me relax? HA! not going to happen, because the harder I try to relax the more fidgety and uneasy it makes me...

Sometimes I ask myself, will I ever just be normal?, that questions always gets followed up by, what is normal anyway?....

I always thought God called us Christians to be leaders, he also asks us to be fisher's, fisher's of men/women, I often am slotted in the observer column, I am a watcher, in group settings if I am not the hostess you will often find me quiet in a corner observing, this mind you has also slotted me in the anti-social column, and that was others who were unaware that that is what I do, I like to remember everything about a moment, colors, smells, sounds, facial expressions, and emotions....

I guess the only thing I can do is ask the Father to give me more confidence in myself in leadership positions, also to help me not to be afraid of just being myself, flaws and all, because if they're not my friends after they see me for me, then they are not worth the sweat......My Self-Worth is not to be found in others but inside of me and from the Father.....

All those lies from the enemy implanted through the lips of my parents all those years, the damage done is taking longer than I thought it would be to be healed.....

I just want to get it Back 2 Good...

Days By The Pool

Today I spent my afternoon leisurely by the wading pool at McBurney Park, Elijah splashed and ran, Raphael played in the shallow part and we just relaxed...

Stayed until Closing time, then just casually walked to the transfer stop on Brock Street, boarded the bus, got off at Food Basics, got a few items, then casually walked the rest of the way home, I walked into the door to smell my wonderful Maple Chili in the crock pot, had a nice steaming bowl, and looked over and both kids had passed out for the night, carried Elijah to bed, Raphael is in bed, I am here alone, with my thoughts/reflections of the past day..........

I loved today, the simplicity, not having to rush anywhere, just relaxing, the boys not being fussy, and the gentle breeze that graced my face every so often..... I loved the smell of fresh cut grass as I walked from Food Basics, and the sound of the leaves rustling as the wind picked up a bit as I walked the path out front to my building......and I loved and melted at the sight of my boys asleep, all worn out from their day by the pool....

These are the moments/smells/sounds that I wish I could bottle up in time, be able to revisit these moments in years to come....

Blessings...

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow...

I am in a Weird Mood be Forewarned !

Today after Church we had 2 special unexpected guests, my best friends
Brian and Kaleena
(they are married)...

The visit only lasted like 15 minutes but it was a bittersweet time because Aug 8th they head out to Alberta where Kaleena has gotten this awesome job....

So the bittersweet part was that it was our last time seeing them for a long time...

I am just so sick of people leaving me!
(please all my pals who read this and are going to leave me do not take offense I need to get this out...)

Jayson and I always are the ones saying goodbye, we're here in the Kingston Hole!
(I apologize for the term but I am sure you guys understand)

My eyes are full of tears and my heart hurts....All my life growing up I wanted close friends, friends that are more like family and now for a second time mind you,
I have them and they are all about to fly away on me....

Ya we only saw Kaleena and Brian once and a while but they are like second parents to my kids, I mean they are their guardians if Jay and I die, we went to school together, and my intensity and Kaleena's are similar therefore a commonality and someone who gets that you know....

Erika is in England already and when she comes back she will be gone again to school...
Jo well we all know where she is going....I fully support her going, but I would be lying if I said I would not be sad and ya....

Matt and Tamara (a married couple in ministry) are in India 10 months out of the year and we see them once a year and that is all....

The last time this happened 2 years ago, something bad happened,
and it there was alot of growing pains that took place......

It was my year of the Phoenix that year, so am I going to burn up and rise again?

I haven't even seen Tricia (like my little sister) in about a year, and I feel bad cause I actually avoid talking to her because it hurts so bad that she is not around....what a great big sister I am!

I am angry, angry at myself, angry at stuff, and I am so sad, so sad in fact that at times I just don't speak because I am also so happy for all these people that they are doing what God will's them to do,
I just wish it did not hurt so much....

Today I heard Kaleena telling Elijah very quietly "now I want you to be a good boy, and since Uncle Brian and I will not be here I need you to take care of your mommy and daddy ok, can you do that?"

My eyes welled up with tears at that point and I held them back until they left but it was so hard, I found myself thinking about the last day I see Jo and how it will be so damn
hard to hold back those giant tears.......

I have a wonderful life I know it must sound like I have a crappy one, but I am happy, but it is just hard, I use to be so afraid of opening up to people with that fear of getting hurt you know....

I am trying not to get angry with God, I have that feeling in my gut like something big is about to happen, not necessarily like before, but something to make me transform,
and I am afraid of it,
without rejecting it at the same time you know...

I know I will be ok, it will suck but I will be ok....

I survive things you know, or actually I use to survive things, now I am learning to live....
just live...

Here is 2 of my Favorite Songs from when I was a Teenager...

The Grass is Greener!

I love this photo of Raphael, we are at the Teddy Bear Picnic and I just finished my lunch and took him out of his stroller so he could discover grass for the first time, and boy he liked it, and he also likes his picture taken, look at that smile, what a charmer he is!


68 1/2 days and he turns 1!

Time keeps on moving whether I want it to or not....ugh!

Ta ta!

Time after Time...

"lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
and think of you
caught up in circles confusion
is nothing new
flashback warm nights
almost left behind
suitcases of memories,
time after..."

This song has always got to me, it carried me through those pre-adolescent years, and adolescent years, those awkward moments, getting to know that secular world.......

All those times in my little 10' by 20' bedroom, my little cave in which I would hide and sing these songs, identifying with those people and the hurt that caused such poems and lyrics.....

I was a teen in the '90's....'80's music was part of my coping mechanism....

This song was almost like a monthly anthem in my bedroom....

I lied to myself alot back then, about what was really real and what I wanted it to be...

I wanted real men to find me desirable, but looking back I laugh because where I was going to High School they were all just little boys trying to find themselves just like I was, I often found myself looking for my self-worth in others....Never did find it.....

But now in the present I only look for my self-worth in one place and I look up, and look to God for that, just him no one else...I was utterly fooling myself looking in everyone else but him......

Well at least not back then, back when I was wearing spandex shorts and a retro top and thought I knew everything, thing was it was all an act, because I knew nothing, and sometimes I still do not have a clue......

I am not sure if I will ever get it totally, I mean the clock is still going to tick without me, or whether I want it to or not.....

I wonder what I would or could possibly say to my younger adolescent self, I mean really given the chance perhaps I would not say anything, I mean that path led me here, pain or no pain it led me here, perhaps I would just tell her to be patient, and give it time...