"When will my Ship roll in, when will I sail away?...take me away..."
I feel like I disappoint everyone...
I am in need of a Confidence Transplant... STAT!
My loneliness I feel is both my fault, and also other people's ignorance, and refusal of not taking the time to really get to know me...
Jayson reminded me the other day (and no offence to anyone reading this) he is, and will be the only best friend, real friend I will ever have...
He knows me, he knows how I sleep at night, no covers, hate my feet covered etc etc, and he knows how I like my tea, and he knows when I start to massive clean it means I am bothered by something, he knows when I need to escape my reality, or to tell me to go to bed when I get way to giddy and ridonkerous, as I tend to get when clearly I need to sleep....the list goes on...
Some of my 'girl' friends have no clue about me, I mean I can have good conversations with them, but with some of them, when it comes time to get raw and real, and see the pain I am going through they high tail it out of there, they want a feel good time, not real time with me...
And I am also afraid I will never get out of my Mother's shadow...I feel like at times I am just like her (which is not one of my aspirations by far, as I have not talked to her in 2 1/2 years), and that people look at me coming and go 'oh God she is coming, she is so annoying', and basically that is when I really but do not, but really want to say "bite me and deal with who I am"...
I get excited, I get loud, I get passionate about things, I also get convicted of things, and I am honest and sometimes my gal pals can not handle pure 100 percent honesty......but is that confidence I asked myself the other day?.....and I am not sure anymore...because as loud and as excited as I can get, I also can get silent, and avoid, and sit in a corner in a room full of interesting people and say nothing to any of them, I am a watcher, observer...
I heard a story once about a woman who came down with a terminal illness, and she refused to tell anyone, she had felt such like I do now about my surrounding friends, and she felt that she did not want them to be all sad around her, and have the looks, and most of all for those feel good friends, she did not want them to flock to her for the only purpose but to satisfy their guilt of all those absent times, and just being a feel good seeker, and she died, and after they all came 'round for the funeral, and crying, and wailing, so upset she was gone, wishing they had both known and could of been there for her in life.....And most of all they could not understand why she said nothing?...
Before Jayson's Mom died (and no she is not the woman in whom I was referring) her biggest thing is that she did not want to be forgotten, and everyday now I remember her, tell my kids about her, she will never be forgotten in my home or anyone in whom I have the opportunity to tell about her...
Why do I feel like I will be forgotten?
Is it my circumstances?
That my side of the family has turned away from me?
Or my feel good friends? That I feel I love way more than they love me?
Why do I allow my heart to care so much for people that much rather walk away from me?
How come when I get real and raw in my blog people never comment?
If I die, whenever God decides to take me home, will anyone or can anyone honesty say they had a real understanding of me other than Jayson?
I don't know...
But my life does not hinge on that...
I just want people to say when it is all said and done, is that I did love and I lived with a huge heart for the Father!
I am in need of a Confidence Transplant... STAT!
My loneliness I feel is both my fault, and also other people's ignorance, and refusal of not taking the time to really get to know me...
Jayson reminded me the other day (and no offence to anyone reading this) he is, and will be the only best friend, real friend I will ever have...
He knows me, he knows how I sleep at night, no covers, hate my feet covered etc etc, and he knows how I like my tea, and he knows when I start to massive clean it means I am bothered by something, he knows when I need to escape my reality, or to tell me to go to bed when I get way to giddy and ridonkerous, as I tend to get when clearly I need to sleep....the list goes on...
Some of my 'girl' friends have no clue about me, I mean I can have good conversations with them, but with some of them, when it comes time to get raw and real, and see the pain I am going through they high tail it out of there, they want a feel good time, not real time with me...
And I am also afraid I will never get out of my Mother's shadow...I feel like at times I am just like her (which is not one of my aspirations by far, as I have not talked to her in 2 1/2 years), and that people look at me coming and go 'oh God she is coming, she is so annoying', and basically that is when I really but do not, but really want to say "bite me and deal with who I am"...
I get excited, I get loud, I get passionate about things, I also get convicted of things, and I am honest and sometimes my gal pals can not handle pure 100 percent honesty......but is that confidence I asked myself the other day?.....and I am not sure anymore...because as loud and as excited as I can get, I also can get silent, and avoid, and sit in a corner in a room full of interesting people and say nothing to any of them, I am a watcher, observer...
I heard a story once about a woman who came down with a terminal illness, and she refused to tell anyone, she had felt such like I do now about my surrounding friends, and she felt that she did not want them to be all sad around her, and have the looks, and most of all for those feel good friends, she did not want them to flock to her for the only purpose but to satisfy their guilt of all those absent times, and just being a feel good seeker, and she died, and after they all came 'round for the funeral, and crying, and wailing, so upset she was gone, wishing they had both known and could of been there for her in life.....And most of all they could not understand why she said nothing?...
Before Jayson's Mom died (and no she is not the woman in whom I was referring) her biggest thing is that she did not want to be forgotten, and everyday now I remember her, tell my kids about her, she will never be forgotten in my home or anyone in whom I have the opportunity to tell about her...
Why do I feel like I will be forgotten?
Is it my circumstances?
That my side of the family has turned away from me?
Or my feel good friends? That I feel I love way more than they love me?
Why do I allow my heart to care so much for people that much rather walk away from me?
How come when I get real and raw in my blog people never comment?
If I die, whenever God decides to take me home, will anyone or can anyone honesty say they had a real understanding of me other than Jayson?
I don't know...
But my life does not hinge on that...
I just want people to say when it is all said and done, is that I did love and I lived with a huge heart for the Father!
***Missing my Nan...***
2 comments:
I'm really sorry to hear you feel like that Autumn. I know the feeling because I too have felt like no one would even remember who I am. Thank you for being there for me, and likewise I want to be there for you. Please message me whenever you want to and if I'm not around I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
I LIKE your passion!!
I have a friend who lost his wife to cancer almost 2 years ago and every day he and the 3 kids remember her. I thought it was a bit much and preventing them from moving on (being the logical thinker that I am) but I think after reading your post, I understand that better.
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