I am fooling no one..really no one, not one bloody person...

And I am being sucked in, so deep, and the hands around my neck stop me from calling out...

At the single moment I think I have gone miles away from what was, I glance back and it is right behind me...

I am trapped within myself...make sense?

I am self-destructing, and yet I look intact...

I miss what was, and the was was so peaceful, beautiful, and refreshing...

The clatter of dishes around me after a 'family' meal, people now become blurs around me...

They have not got a single clue...

And if I dared show my 'wounds', the 'blood', the 'rawness' of me, they would turn and walk away...

I am loosing myself once again...I am in that dark place again, and I am trying to even fool myself that I am not really there again...

My spirit sobs for me even...I do not want to be here.......

Just typing this, makes my throat swell, the pain is huge, and sometimes so much I can not even speak...

I avoid the mirror, just so I do not have to look myself in the face, because my eyes, my face, my expressions hold the truth that I want and must avoid if I am to survive again...

The calmness around me, externally disguises the chaos I hold within, and I am having trouble containing the storm within...

I am trying to focus my eyes upon the cross, but I am so tired, so tired...my eyes are weak, and strength is diminishing...

I love all my friends, and their children, I love, and at the same time feel all of this within myself...

I try and be there for anyone, I have this thing in my heart to give, and trust me people take...

But.......I am so sad sometimes....it is happening again....no one sees...no one hears......

I am screaming and yet my mouth is closed...

"That I would be good even if I lost sanity..."