I'm Letting Go....

I am happy......

I am.....

I love my boys, so thankful for them....

I love my husband, so in love, he is my best friend, everything....

Then how come at times I am so sad?

Clouds of sadness drift in every once and a while....

It makes me angry...

Usually fear can follow it at times, fear to let people in and get close to me...

I am often to forgotten, the abandoned, the shunned, the unworthy...

I do not want to receive any of that anymore...

There is so much more to me than Kelly the obnoxious, or Kelly the Mother and Wife!

I know I can sound pretty annoying sometimes, but I have drive and determination, and my heart is in everything I do....

But some do not see things the way I do...not at all...

I know I am intense, and I feel deep, gripping passion alot of the time about things....

When is it going to be ok to just be me? I mean to have people accept me Just as I am?

Ugh I am starting to sound like a sad Country Song LOL!

Sometimes I get so sad and frustrated I want to go to a field and just scream and scream and cry until it is all out of me....but look out your window...no fields close by LOL!

I am missing people too, and not just Jo, but Matt and Tamara in India, Kaleena and Brian in Alberta, even Erika, but she is just in Kitchener LOL!

I am dealing with a bit right now....especially trying to feel worthy enough in certain friendships, but I decided all I need is God, my boys, and Jayson, so I am letting go, letting go of looking for my self-worth in other people....

So if I can manage that the next thing I need to finally let go is the hardest thing, so hard in fact I am in massive tears at the moment....

I need to let go of the pain, anger, and everything to do with my parents, and I need to stop mourning things I never had, like feeling safe as a child or just being held by my Mother, you know just cause she wanted to, not because I begged her to hug me like I did many times growing up....

The truth of the matter is this: I am a wounded woman, scarred completely, half-full of anger, half-full of pain and heat ache, and I do not want to feel this anymore, nor have it in my life anymore, so I am letting it go, I have to because if I do not it will consume me for the rest of my life and I will not really live my life, but simply just watch it pass me on by...

Time to start a new chapter in my book, no more re-reading past chapters....

Beginning of Birthday Week

I made a Dinosaur Cake, using two cake mixes, cool whip, a plastic cup, lots of dollar store dinos/trees, and royal icing, and lots of food coloring!

It was a Success!

We has a Party on Saturday for Raphael and sort of Elijah LOL!

Here is my One Year Old!

(photo courteous of the Lovely Michelle!)

I do have more pictures from the whole week and will be compiling a photo thingy for all to see, I am just so tired from everything...

Tonight is the last of the festivities, Michelle and James are coming over and we are having Pizza and DQ Cake!!! YUM O!

Ta Ta!

Elijah at his Finest !

This photo makes me laugh and get teared up at the same time...

He is growing up too fast for my liking!

"...washed my sins away..."

I never realize how much I miss singing until I am well singing LOL!

I use to do it so easily in front of people, what joy it brought me, now I am not saying I am an all that singer, I am not conceited at all, I just love to sing, and the feeling of freedom and passion when I sing, even if it is my singing here now as I type, or singing to my boys....

I was in a group called Daystar for a while a long time ago, before kids and marriage...

Did I ever tell you guys that is how Joanna knew me?

I did not even know she existed, and at General Synod for the Anglican Diocese Daystar was asked to perform, well our lovely Jo was in the audience, and we sang Oh Happy Day Sister Act style of course and I did the beginning solo, and later a few weeks or so her and I met and she remembered me from that night! Unfortunately that was my last solo I ever did...

I call it singers block LOL!

Now my audience consists of my one year old and four year old and on occasion Jayson, but it is only me singing along with music while on the computer lol!

I don't know if my block is due to just no time because of my busy life, or fear or all of the above?

All I know is I get high off the feeling when I sing, nothing is better at that moment when I am in a song and ya it is sweet....

Here Jo, here is something to remember our beginning:

Bunch of Lace at His Throat...

Sometimes life throws us wrenches and we got to get fixing!

Love, friendships, pain, agony, joy, tears, happiness, and then more pain....

When will it end for me?

Busyness ensues me, Birthdays bombard me!

Lists of lists to make and lists to come, laundry, dusting, mopping, vacuuming, and much more!

Baby standing up in playpen crying and protesting his state!

Friends scattered, night is my friend, the moonlight brings calming...

Occasional tears...

Steady on I go, moving forward, no time for obstacles...

I search for my Purple moor...

"The wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees,
The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
The road was a ribbon of moonlight, over the purple moor,
And the highwayman came riding, riding, Riding!"

"...got all your Love letters written on my Skin..."

I miss you, you have been gone for a few years now.......
Life has changed dramatically...
I miss the honesty, the truth you brought...
I mourn you, yet you are not dead..................
My grief is complex, intense, and for sure will take a few more years to diminish...
So many of you lost, gone from me...
I suffer in grief, while all of you find it so easy to cast me aside...
I have passions, desires, dreams, you never saw, you chose to ignore me, see through me...
Who could I blame you really, I did not even know who I was then either...
Labels are still placed on me, I am just a wife, just a mother, but that is not only who I am!
You try to dumb me down, you tried to tear me down, I have risen...
No more darkness, even if I have to fight until my fingers bleed from constantly climbing out...
More people have gone again, I stand alone, but it is ok now, I am never really alone...
The Grey cloud still visits me, but atleast I know what to do when it is raining........

I will dance!

"Life is not about waiting for the Storm to pass,
but learning to dance in the Rain!"

"Stare Until I Going Blind!"

Life is looking good, so far so good, in like 2 weeks Raphael will be 1!

I survived!!! LOL! :-)

One Week after that Elijah will be 4!

I already got Elijah's Birthday plans all panned out, and Raphael's are getting there...

Elijah is doing well at school, and I am enjoying my free time, well not totally 'cause I still have the babe to take care of, but it is simpler, weird eh?

But seriously it is so quiet when Elijah is not here, and it makes me somewhat teary at times 'cause he is like the life of the party you know?...

I am glad he is not gone permanently, could never imagine what it would be like without my Elijah at all.....

Well one day he will go to College or University or something and I will get teary eyed then as I do now thinking about that time in the future, he will leave the environment one day but never my heart which is comforting!

After the Boys Birthday it is Jayson's 30th then 3 days later my 27th!!!

And between that and the boys is Thanksgiving then after is Christmas, WOW!

The year goes by quick when my family hits September, it is almost like in a blink it is gone LOL!

I have a question for people: What would you think if I got a tattoo?

It would be a Phoenix and it would be on my right calf...

Let me know...

And know I am unsure about the pain, but want to get it no matter what, Jayson calls me a rising Phoenix all the time.....



I like this one, but the tails would be hanging down and I want it to look fiery but still elegant and feminine, and maybe the wings going a little more upward...

So, ya!!!

Well must go, making sweet and sour meatballs and mashed taters tonight Mmmmm!!!

Auto Pilot...

My newest favorite singer is Alexz Johnson...

Who is she?

She plays Jude Harrison on Instant Star,
a show I love!


Her voice is awesome, it kills, well not really....

She sings from her gut, holding nothing back,
sort of how I use to go about it when I use to sing in front of others LOL!

Coming soon I will be making up a Top 30 Things to do before I am 30 list so stay tuned LOL!

Stuck

Today was a good day, my blood pressure was down for once, why you may ask? Elijah was back to school today!!!

I was so nice from 9:15am-2:45pm every day of the week he is gone, and today it was quiet, serene, nice...

Tonight it is to the Movies with me with Erika and Katherine, I have not been to the movies since The Lake House with Jo, and that was way back......

I have been currently planning Jayson's 30th Birthday Bash coming up, and then got to thinking about what I might do? or really if it is worth it?

I never had girlfriends who were like, let's take Kelly out on the town and celebrate, or throw me a party ever, growing up my Mom never cared enough, for my sweet sixteenth birthday we had boiled hot dogs and microwaved fries and I was allowed to only have one friend over, and ya.......

I love good food and good conversation and laughter......I suppose that is why I always make sure my boys and Jay have parties etc LOL!

Anyway, I have not died due to the lack there of so....MEH!

Pray for me too, I am going through some emotional things that I will not go into detail here, some letting go issues I need to address, and things about self-worth, and feeling loneliness.....I really do not feel like I can talk to anyone about any of it because I am convinced that they do not want to hear any of it, and I do not want to bring anyone down around me, that is not who I am nor what I want to become...........

*i long for the smell of being in my grandmoo's arms...