I think when I woke up and saw the rain I should of known today would not be a good day, I should of rolled over and stayed there until it passed over...

Ya that is how Church was for me...

The one person I need right now, absolutely need, is not there, and today I felt like he looked right through me, and it was a razor sharp slap in the face, and i found myself as they started communion loose it finally as I was sitting at the very back of the church, often I sit up front...

Maybe we can call it God's timing, but I lost it, I sat with my head in between my arms folded and sobbed and sobbed, and the pain was overwhelming, almost suffocating...

My friends took the kids up for me, and I stayed back in my arms, not wanting anyone to see me or that I was being 'emotional', and I know it is okay to be emotional, but I do not like to cry in front of people...

It was like I had been holding it all in for so long that that one moment pricked the proverbial bubble and I could not longer control it...

Then Coffee hour came, and he abruptly and quickly came over to me, and gave excuses for his absence and then he was gone again, and did not come near us after that because 'they' were with me...And two dear friends came up to me, 'ambush' lol, and asked me if I was okay, and I just burst into tears and fled to the ladies room where I had to regroup and numb myself, I felt suffocated with the hurt inside, it was hard, but Queen Numb I can be and I was...

And after 3 weeks of not seeing us that was that, and he left without so much as a wave....

I am writing the letter for sure now, taking a week to do it because I need time to do it and thik about it, and hopefully he will see what he is doing, that is what I pray...

I hope it all goes well...

I long for the days of yesterday...