I woke up at 7:30am today, and my mood, although the previous day was awesome, matched the weather outside, and it is raining, so ya...

I am beginning to think I have been maybe in denial about something...

Ya I know, for me to even admit that is somewhat shocking...

But my putting my kids first is what is holding me back from going 'somewhere' and talking about me...

I mean I see nothing wrong with going, it is just the getting there for me...

But I am thinking I have to soon or I will or could loose myself...

I just don't want to claim the 'label' that may be cast upon me if I give in and finally go...

ugh!

Today I go to Church, and don't want to because there are people there I want to avoid, and the people I am going with well, let's just say I feel torn between them, I have talked about this before....and I have not seen the other people in like 3 weeks, and the people who are taking me well probably expect me to sit with them, but ugh! I hate this...

And both groups do not see my pain in all this, and that I indeed need someone right now, and none of them are hearing my 'screams'...

It is all frustrating...

Jo called last week, and for once in a long time (please no one take offense) it felt easy to talk to someone, but again that is our friendship, and it felt for once that I was being helped, and I have not felt like that since Jo has been gone, and that was the first time I heard her voice since she left as well, she got to talk to Raphael and ya it made her a little emotional, but it would anyone Jo! he even called her Aunteeez and Jo Jo...it was sweet, it was a lovely ray of sunshine last week in the midst of what I call 'happy chaos', as it was indeed Birthday week here for the boys!

I will update later about Church etc today...

Be Blessed!