I think I will always feel this way...

I am content with my life, blessed, but there is this bit of dark cloud around me...

It seems to make people leave or stay away...but I no longer care anymore...

Until you know my pain, where it branches from, to fully know, to understand, to get it, you have to no be afraid of me...

Not afraid of a little blood shed, a little rawness...

Know if you are my friend I am the most loyal, I love you unconditionally, I protect you, I am there 1000%...

My Past is full of alot of pain, but in turn it has made me more compassionate to others, it makes me love deep, but I am the first to admit at first I fear closeness, the allowing of someone into my comfort zone...

When we are wounded it takes time to heal, and when you have been wounded for many years, it does not heal in a single moment, in some cases the Lord can do it, but in most he takes us on a journey first, to find ourselves again, the selves that he intended for us to be...

I wait for the day where I have the freedom to scream and yell and cry until I can not anymore...

I can't right now...I restrain myself for the sake of my kids, Jay, my friends, and maybe even myself really, afraid of what would be unleashed in that very act...

It is always there with me, that burning to explode, and at the same time tears are probably always behind my eyes, but I just can't right now...

I do have moments where I crumble, lay crumpled up on the bed and remember all that I have lost, and the anger makes me cry, sob even, the unfairness of it all makes me more angrier...

If I lacked the Lord, Jayson, and my boys I would worry about me, about my life, about what I could do...but I have all that, and with the Lord's help I am on this what seems like forever Journey and I am waiting...for the release, the end, the answer, it is just getting to that answer that is the hardest part of all....

So here I sit, pretty much afraid of my own major emotions that i have locked up inside, trying to maintain 'soccer mom' persona...

Then when I tell everyone I am happy even so, they look at me strange?.......

I don't get it either, but I am in love, and have faith, and ya but ugh...the dark cloud is there, and for as long as I can remember I have always had it there over me, even when I was a child...

I long for that Sunny Day, Clear Skies...I do...