It is funny how things change, how people change really, how we evolve as we grow up...

When I was a little girl my Mother worked as a Maid for a Hotel in Belleville, and sometimes I had to go with her...

The Hotel (not sure which one) was in front of some woodsy area, and at night when it was pitch black out and as my Mother was getting me ready to leave I would take off on her into this pitch black woodsy area, no fear, no feeling at all except I wanted to run and hide from her...

Ask me to do that now and well you would hear a quick No!

I am not afraid of the dark, it is just something about that that I do not want to venture into...

Hmmm venture into the great unknown, into the dark alone, sound familiar?

As Children we have no fear in those circumstances, we are taught fear, or atleast I was taught to fear, especially by my parents...Others are taught through experiences etc...

*laughs nervously*

When all other parents were protecting their children from monsters under the bed or in the closet, my parents were those very monsters in my reality...

And no I am not exaggerating, and that my friend is the saddest thing, I really wish i could say I was exaggerating, that I am just a bitter 20 something year old gal who has it out for her folks, but the sad truth is that what I am saying is the truth...

And let me make it clear I am not saying any of this for sympathy, or pity, it is cleansing for me to admit to this truth, because for years I had been lying to myself that it was not that bad, but it was, and so this blog serves as my outpost of stuff so I can heal...

The other night I was at a friends house for dinner, and her husband was outside in the back yard with the kids, we were busy making dinner and I heard a knock on the front door, so I yell that I am going to check it, and I open the door to the boot room and then proceed to the front door, I open it and no one and then WHAM! and SCREAM! The husband lunges out at me, I screamed and turned around took two steps and face in my hands I was paralyzed in fear and sobbing uncontrollably.....

I was taken back to a place that I wanted to forget, I never thought I would react that way at all, it was unexpected and a reminder that certain wounds are not closed yet...

See my cousins use to torment me and do that, I being the youngest, and sometimes throw cats on me, scratching my face, but what I did not tell them that night after my fright was I was also take back to my different moments of abuse with my parents in that moment, that same fear that caused my heart to thump almost out of my chest was similar to the fear I felt around my parents......

It took a while that night but my heart slowed but it took a long time...
This all coming from a girl who once was so fearless...

This brings me to the point that I think alot of you will not understand...

I feel alone everyday, especially in moments like that, I mean I know we all have our pain and our own past, but really I believe no one gets what I went through and continue to go through on my own...

Or if they really understand the constant struggle I bare?

I mean I love my family, and will do anything for my boys, my love runs incredibly deep for them and Jayson...but, ya here comes the BUT...

It all often means that I have to numb myself in order to keep on keeping on as I say...

Not sure if you can makes sense out of it but that is how I feel...

In the previous post is a song that describes me take it with a grain of salt though...