I think I spend too much time worrying about my being so emotional, and intense...
And I beat myself up alot about talking alot in conversations, and well everyday I am reflecting when honestly I want to just be...
But I also know this is all God's process to heal me from two decades of mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse...
And the more I sit here and think of it the more angrier I get at my parents and then myself, at myself more because I do not want to think about the past at all...
Maybe I get angry cause I feel abandoned by my whole entire family? or am I disappointed?
Maybe it is because Christmas Season has come and I desperately miss my Nan...*sniffs*
I miss her smell, her smile, her hugs, the way she loves to feed you as soon as you walk in the door, watching her do her devotions all curled up in bed, and the way she just by her presence made me feel so safe and loved...
She is the only other Christian in my family, when she found out I had accepted Christ into my life she wrote me a letter telling me how she prayed for me everyday of my existence and that I would one day know Christ as she did....*sniffs*
Now lies and hatred have claimed possession over her (My Mother) and told her not to contact me or they will not help her anymore, and she depends on them alot...
And I will not contact her because of that reason and a few others...
The last time I saw her was Mother's Day 2006...it was a good day, my parents and I took her out in Belleville to a restaurant for dinner with my Aunt and Uncle and Elijah (Jay was at home in Kingston) it was a good day, her and I cuddled in the car on the way over, we giggled and joked around, and had a good dinner, she looked so beauitiful, her face so bright and warm, after we dropped her off and she had tears in her eyes (she always did whenever we parted for a while) and we kissed and hugged, more like squeezed each other and I remember feeling like I did not want to part from her, and then well in August that year it all went down with my folks and ya....have no seen or spoke to her since Mother's Day 2006...............*sniffs*
Everytime we sing an old school song in Church like Amazing Grace or How great Thou Art I get a bit choked up, semi suffocating feeling because I remember when I was a little girl and she would take me to Church and how when she sang she held me in her arms and to me that was my Heaven on earth....makes me cry remembering it, I try to keep all this supressed, to protect myself in a way.....*sighs*
I wonder if she ever really knew the Love I had and have for her, and how she was my Best Friend, my everything......
Maybe I get so angry because I feel like the enemy has truly won, and I am in constant reminder of what was taken from me on my day of independance?
I don't know right now...*sighs*
My Nan with Elijah 2006:
For you Nan:
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