Funny how sounds, smells, and tastes trigger things in us from days gone by...

At Christmas time that is always so concentrated for me...

For example, to share with you...

The smell of mandarins/clementines takes me back to my childhood and the Church that is about 15 feet from my house in the country, one smell of a rind and I am back there, they always gave us treat bags at Christmas and those tiny oranges would be in there...

When I did not feel like I belonged anywhere in the world that Church held a space just for me where I did matter and belong even if it were only for a short while...

I fit in with people sometimes three times my age, the congregation was a mere 15 people, I being the youngest, and most of the time the only one under 40...

I was in the Choir, we were all of 6 people and the organist, and the pastor, being sometimes only a handful of people in the Church...much different now to the Church I go to, at my service alone over a 100 go now...a big difference from years ago, and of course to be fair I am in a city now...

You know as I look at my kids and how they are and how I feel about them, and how we are making traditions and memories, I find myself sometimes crying for the child I was then, and yes there is a slight bit of anger and I think there always will be, my childhood was not good, I had to sometimes steal my moments, and most of the time I was alone in those moments, in my little world....

and I shouldn't of ever felt that way that is my main point...

So what do I do now? well I do not repeat history in my children that is the point of it all!

I chose this video clip from my favorite movie, her dance is so expressive, and such sadness, and self torture almost, being pulled in all directions, and she has such passion and determination, it inspires me...

She dances the way that I feel most days...if that makes sense?