I had a bad dream last night, I was at Brenda's and Mark's and was in pure happiness and joy...

The Christmas Spirit was awesome...

Then the phone rang..........................

And that is when the pain, sadness, and agony started....

It was a call to tell me something bad happened to Jayson...

He had decided to go out to get me a gift while I was out for the day......

And he had fallen, and got hit by a car, and in that instant my joy and happiness was snatched from me and my boys.....

I fell to the floor crying hysterically.....I was screaming but no sound came out...it was an intense and sad dream...

I do not think people realize that everyday I watch him suffer, and do people get what that is really like? to watch their loved one constantly suffer?

The feeling of helplessness is my state always, because I can not though I want to, take it away, the pain I mean....

People call me strong, phew! It is all God people, at times I feel utterly weak, sometimes I do not know if I can make it past an hour let alone a day...

I was really shaken by that dream, and how intense it felt...

People do not understand our love, and that is my opinion, but really when Jay is away from me I literally feel incomplete, like half of me is gone.....and it is not a nice feeling...

He was my best friend first and I think that has alot to do with the intensity of how I feel about him, and then just the life experience's in the past 10 years of knowing each other...

I personally think for people our age, well for the things we have been through, ya it is alot and intense...

If anything happened to Jay well not to speak death in to the air, but I think a part of me would die with him and I would never bounce back nor be the same ever again...

Couples sometimes ask each other if they would ever marry again if death took one of them, and for me I say no because there is only one Jayson, and to even fathom ever making that connection with anyone else? I can not conceive it, I mean it would have to be big time God in my face and his will totally, but my answer is no...I am a very committed woman, and loyal even in death...

The saddest thing is if Jay did die, I am awfully alone here then, I mean I have friends etc, but I know me also, and I shut down in times like that....

I just pray for mercy if that ever happened, and peace for my boys, they love their Daddy so much...ya....

This Song I Love: