I love Christmas...
The feel...
The Lights...
The Smell of a Crisp Clear Night...
The Tastes...

It has never been about the presents with me, but HIS Presence...

And having a truly giving heart...

Nothing makes me more happier and brings instant tears to my eyes, then when I turn all my lights off in my living room and sit in the silence and admire my twinkly Christmas Tree...

It is as if I turn back into that child again, with big bright eyes, gazing at the Tree and knowing that there has to be Hope in the world out there, and that always brought me comfort growing up, everything else going on around me, and it did not matter, I would stare for hours at our Tree, as if in my own world where time stood still for me.........

Sometimes it still does, like nights like tonight, when my boys are asleep and I am alone out here at the computer and I look over, it is breathe taking and my heart feels the warmth that God is giving me in this moment, as I stare into my Christmas Tree...

I am so Thankful...

Had a really good night sleep last night...

A weird dream, but a good sleep...

I am in fear that I am again falling into the abyss of sadness, no one around to pull me out?

I am not sure...

Have I been here before...yes indeed I have..and I managed to stay afloat...

I think snow is pretty but I hate the dreariness it brings...

Everyone has been gone so long, I am beginning to forget who I am...

Why do I keep kidding myself?

I want to cry tears, but my eyes remain dry, and that is left is a lump, a hard lump in my throat...

Has numbness become my state of being?

Why do I let these people bother me? Who cares if they are my friends or not?

Inside I am screaming can anyone hear me?

Sweet Caress of 3am

All my life I have been told both verbally and non-verbally that I am not good enough...

I spent years trying to be someone or something that I was not...

And now when I am myself I am constantly doubting myself, and worrying if by simply just being myself is ok...

And I am sick and tired of people, just sick and tired, of the people who can't take me as I am!

I think I am a nice person, I mean I love being hostess and helping others in need, I always have my ear out if anyone needs something and I can help them as well...

I am a polite person, yet I am strong in my convictions and my morals as I see the Bible and my God lays them out for em clearly...

But will I ever be enough, just me, just Kelly?

I know one person who I am enough for, even in my darkest, and ugliest hour, and that is indeed my God!

I suppose people can have alot of friends throughout life, but only a couple of real true blue kindred (yes I said kindred) friends, the ones you can count on no matter what....

And for that I am thankful for....to look forward to that throughout my life.......

I need to let go before this eats me up from the inside...

Yesterday was a scary day for me....

I decided to get Elijah off the bus and take him downtown, just him and I...

We stopped off at the Dollarama so I could get him a pair of cheap gloves since his hands were really cold...

Then a stop at Card's Bakery on Bagot Street...

Elijah got a gingerbread man and I a peanut butter brownie...

Then off down Bagot to No Frills....

3 blocks from our destination I trip on some not so level sidewalk and go flying into a blue fence, and the next thing I remember is coming to and seeing three people over me!

I had been unconscious for a few minutes...

I sat up slowly and immediately thought of Elijah, who stood there scared...

They wanted to call an ambulance but I was really okay, just banged up a bit...

I hobbled over to Florida's house where once inside started to cry, cause I scared myself!

What would of happened if no one stopped to help me, and Elijah had been there alone?

He never spoke a word at Florida's, I apologized for scaring him, and later at night, at bedtime he said it was his fault, and I said no! Mommy just tripped over her big feet, he seems ok, but ya!

Thank God for making sure I was ok and that help was there for me...

I am really sore, my neck and left side especially...but I am alive, it could of been so much worse...

Thank God it was not!

Life has been odd for me for a while, I have recently found myself caught in the past, present, and the future...

Struggling with how to define myself...

And realized that I had been defining myself by how everyone else had defined me, not at all how God defines me...

There are many sides to me, of that makes sense?

There are times where I can ultimately stand up for what I believe in and what I believe to be truth, and then there are moments that I am at my weakest, I mean so weak to the point where I hide and am ashamed of showing just how weak I am.....

Lately with everyone that I have been close to for many years being gone, strung around the world, I have this feeling in the pit of my being, and it is a feeling that I do not feel like myself, it is like a quiet storm brewing in my being, chaos, and to be honest I think it is a resistance to change.....

I get comfortable in my environment and therefore I do not want it to change, I allow fear to become my state of being and desperation lurks in because I do not want to be alone again....

My whole life people have left me, and no I am not trying to tell a sob story, it is merely fact, but God has revealed lately that in my present the people who have left me recently, well it just is not the same as in my past, and I had indeed confused the two...

See I was so dependent before, in my past on my parents, God is now thrusting me into my independence the only way he can, by stripping me of everyone I would 'lean' on....

It is like he is showing me change is okay, that it does not need to be painful, but rejuvenating...
The other night I was prayed over, imparted upon, and through that I was told I was to go to the Nations, and that right now God was placing people around the world in order for me to have those contact to each 'corner' of the world, and as I heard and received that I really thought about it, and if you think about all my friends who have gone, and all my friends in the States it is like God sprinkled them gingerly over the world......

And although I miss them terribly, and sometimes I know I will still cry and miss them so, that dark cloud over me since they left, was lifted, and I can only feel the warmth of the Sun now.....

This Speaks for Itself...Please Watch...