You are Exposed!

So your watching me are you?

Does it make you feel good to watch what you are missing out on???

And that you are only missing out on because of your own actions?!

All you keep doing is proving my point!

You never made me feel safe, and when I was in danger, you took his side!

I have more clarity about my life now than I ever have!

I am happy, and I am thriving, and with no thanks to you, I am doing it on my own...

I am sad for you, only because you have nothing better to do with your time then stalk/harass me!

Talk about burning your bridges...

I have nothing to hide about me or my life, so read away, you taught me to hide things in earlier years, and now I am not the same person I was before, I have grown, and I am me, not what you were trying to make me be!

I have love in my life, peace, good friends, support, and life is utterly good...

How do you look yourself in the mirror everyday?

I have no regrets, 3 years ago (almost) I made the best decision of my entire life!

Never been happier, and Jayson is amazing throughout it all!

God is good to me, and I love my life now...

It is a shame some have to act so immature...

Be careful where you tread, YOU WILL REAP WHAT YOU SOW indeed!

I believe you are already...

Take my advice and walk away, I am not who I once was, and this time I am out to protect my family, not just me, and if you keep this up, all this harassment, I will have no other choice but to take this to the next level...

How do you say goodbye?

When we shed our 'skin' and we walk away after being made new?

How can something so refreshing and freeing feel so scary at the same time?

Each day I am being shown something new, and each day new layers shed away...

All those years I thought I was that person...

But it was all my own personal illusion...

It was the pain, the suffering, the aftermath, the result of abuse and heartache, that was what was being shown throughout my existence, and most of all fear...

I was hidden away, inside, where I thought my only safety was...

I have always said when you are in darkness for so many years, it is hard to really accept the light, and that that light is now there forever and will not leave you, especially since you have been told nothing good lasts...

So, it is hard to say goodbye to one's illusionated self, but God is ever present and his promise true and loving...

C'mon it's Shedding Season, won't you join me?

Please Watch

Tracey was Jayson's Mother,who for almost 4 years fought with Lung/then brain Cancer...

That journey, by her side was the most painful thing I ever witnessed thus far in my life...

I will never forget her smell, her hugs that were unbelievable, all the words that were spoken in those last moments that I saw her alive...

She was the strongest woman I had ever met in my life, and still is...

I will never forget that night, the phone call I made to Jay as he was with her at her side, telling him to tell her that she would not be forgotten, and that it was okay to go, to not suffer anymore, and that her legacy would carry on, that there would be more grandchildren, not just Elijah, and most importantly I told him to tell her how much we loved her...

Oh God....this is hard to type.....

I just was hit with the reminder that Jayson was with her when she went, and to think how hard that was to watch his Mommy die...even a man with such faith....

20 minutes after I got off the phone with Jay that night and after he whispered all that in her ear, she died...

I never cried so much in my life that night, for me, for Jay, for Tracey, and for my son who was asleep and oblivious to the cruel plague that just took his Grandma away, and it pained me so to have to greet him in the morning and tell him of the loss, the loss of the woman he loved so much...his Grammy...

Trembling, scared out of my mind I crept up to the door, and it opened, and a bright light shone over me...

His hand stretched out for me, and I hesitated...

Behind me the darkness of what once was still screams at me, those words, those curses...

Their hands are strong as they grip into me...

Tears flow, fear is massive...

The verse from my favorite song comes to my mind (King of Glory by Third Day)

"Who is this King of Glory that persues me with his love
And haunts me with each hearing of His softly spoken words
My conscience, a reminder of forgiveness that I need
Who is this King of Glory who offers it to me..."

Tears are not controlled anymore, I am overflowing with thanksgiving, that he loves me in spite of all my insecurities, and all my fears...

His hand still stretched out to me...

I reach back and once my hand touches his all darkness fades, and there I am on the floor, laying in his lap and weeping...

Asking myself why did it seem so hard? When really it was easy...

Being told for over 20 years that you were never important, that your needs never mattered, and that you were not worth the time to love....it grates at your spirit, the feelings of being anyone's burden is a haunting reminder of the past, but he does not want me to feel that anymore, he does not want me to carry all that around anymore, it is too heavy, and all it is doing is weighing me down...

The Lord is Good indeed, Indeed the lord is good!

My Diag-Nonsense!

Okay I went to the Doctor's this afternoon after a long day at the Wadding Pool...

And the results are in:

-Mild Scoliosis
-Narrowing of the Spine, which I apparently was born with but had no clue?
-OsteoArthiritis
-Bulging Discs that are also Slipped...



Also, after my small car accident Monday evening, it has made it all worse apparently, but she has prescribed me meds....

Here is the clincher...if I am not better in 4-5 months I will need to have Spinal Surgery...

I may have to have Physio but we will see in 2 weeks when she has me go in again to see if I am feeling better, after the accident my pain level has been sky high, so she is worried about that...

I was literally like ya right sure sure, and who is going to take care of Jay and the boys while I am laid up??? And please people do not dish me a load of crap like oh people will help you, cause you all say that and no one ever helps...sorry I am really mad at this whole situation...

I mean really what more can I take, I have a list of issues now to face, and not to mention I am pretty alone in it all...no offence I am just being really real at the moment...

I have just had enough...

And yes I have been crying not just because ya it sucks and it is sad, but I am angry, and just fed up...

Well, I am done...going to watch more Big Brother...

TodayI go in to get my MRI results, which I am not looking forward to, but since I was in a car accident Monday night my back has been in worse pain than ever, it was not a big accident, a fended bender, and it could of happened to anyone, April had driven us to Soccer, and on the way home bam! She is ok and we are ok, my back was already sore, so it was probably my tensing up and pulling back that did it when we hit the van in front of us, April went forward so I am concerned for her neck, please pray for her....

Anyway, she had said she was soooo sorry on my facebook, but she does not need to be, I am not mad at her at all, I am glad though she is not going to have her cell phone on anymore while driving, because that makes me calmer knowing while she is out and about on her own she is not at that type of a risk, I only have a few close friends and she is one of them LOL, would not want to loose her!!!!!!

Anyway, I still took the boys out yesterday to the wading pool and the park, I was crazy, and in crazy pain but it was good to get out, it was so nice out...

Going out before my Doc appointment today again LOL...

Jayson often says I am like a locomotive I never stop chugga chugga chugga chugga! LOL!

Cleaned out the fridge thoroughly, UGH and Yuck! is all I can say...

Did dishes, cleaned Microwave, and still have a few odds and ends to do before I head out....

Looks like it is going to be a beauty of a day today...

Well I am off to make a potato salad for dinner tonight with our chicken mmmmm!!!

Hoping today goes ok at Doc's ughhh!

What if you loved someone so much, that person loved you so much, and they were your best friend, the one person who was a beacon of light in your dark upbringing...

Then one day you were called to stand up in that darkness...And fight for freedom...

And as a result in achieving that freedom.....that beacon was taken away from you...

And you know the only way you will ever see them again is after this life fades and you meet up in Heaven...

It hurts like hell...Especially since that beacon is still roaming this planet, would it feel better if she were not?

Because you are so thankful for that beacon, that friendship, but sometimes with one's freedom, those we thought were free as well, like that beacon were not really free at all...

So therefore, you stand alone in this freedom, this unbelievable light and warmth, and at the same time you are so happy and joyful, an ache, a dull ache of sadness and mourning is quaking in your heart and spirit...

All of the above I know too well...

Her face will remain burned into my mind forever, and her warmth forever remembered...

'til we meet again....looking forward to walking on those footsteps to Heaven and meeting you there, and then nothing will ever keep us apart again...

I Love you...I Miss You...

Here I am...

Again...

Yesterday was busy, went to GT Boutique and got Elijah 3 new summer outfits for under 30$, which was awesome, and he was in need to clothes that fit properly LOL...

I got good deals....

Visited Wayne at Pam's at Elijah's demand, and he gave the boys two snap dragons, one each, and unfortunately we got like a block away and Raphael had destroyed his and Elijah's, so Elijah is now going to tell Uncle Wayne you know...LOL...

Had an appointment to get my long awaited MRI results and I canceled it, avoiding is my nature when it comes to things like that, but I will go next week and no I will not cancel it...

Tonight Big Brother starts!!!

Yes it is the one show I become obsessed with, I even plan my days according to when it is on as well in the Summer....it is sad I know...but I got to have something...

Before I forget I have to tell you what happened to me yesterday...

I was waiting for my taxi and I was standing outside GT and this old woman, must of been in her 80's was standing there, and I had used Jay's cell to call the taxi and she kept starring at me, and finally in a wavering voice asked if I would call her daughter for her, her daughter was to pick her up but she had been standing out there almost an hour, and there are no benches and she was getting awfully tired of waiting...so I dialed and this is how the conversation went on the phone:

Me---Hello Janet?

Her---Yes?

Me---Hi I am here with your Mother Doris...(cut off by her)

Her---Oh No! I completely forgot, I went and got my son from daycare and just came home!

Me---Oh Ok, She has been waiting a long time I suppose here outside GT, and just wanted to know if you were on your way...

Her---Oh my God! Tell her I am coming right now...

Me--- Okay then, no problem...

**I did not tell Doris about ehr daughter's slight temporary case of Alzheimer's!

After that Doris continued to tell me how grateful she was that I helped her, and how not everyone is like that, and I told her simply I would want someone to help me so....

When I left she was still waiting, poor woman, so frail and standing all that time...

Just think if I hadn't been there..how long would it of been for her until she got someone to help her contact her daughter?

Anyway, each day this Summer I am surprised and enlightened in some way...

53 days and counting LOL!

Woman in the Mirror

Yesterday I was slammed in the face with my past and was not ready for it...

I went with the Boys to Elijah James' party at McDonald's and another Mother that was there was a woman I had worked with before and not had such a great time with....and when I approached her with smiles and kind words she acted cold and icy and quite mean, and stuck her nose in the air as if I was non existent....now normally this would bug the hell out of me, throw me off and make the event non enjoyable, but although caught off guard at first by it all, I maintained normalcy and threw myself into the fun and found myself amongst beautiful children taking pictures....

A man she had been with at the time I knew her caused alot of issues for me and a best friend I had at the time, the best friend was a guy, Jayson's best man at our Wedding actually, and I had never done anything to her, but I guess someone else's lies when believed can have the affect the enemy is looking for and cause rifts like the one she had for me yesterday...

It is never nice to be lied about, or to be treated as if you have some disease either but I was not there for her, and what I noticed about myself, if that I have had growth in the sense that I was able to push it aside instead it becoming another 'why is she so mean and hurtful to me?' obsession....It was rather refreshing!

To me that is huge, I mean ya I am talking about it here, but it is not like I am in this oh my goodness I have to make her like me and ugh kind of thing, I was able to let it go and just be...

When I came home I uploaded about 180 pictures into my facebook albums LOL...

And then I saw Aphra's status....Myron's Mother had passed away yesterday, him and James are there right now for their visit, my heart goes out to them all big time, and I realized as Aphra were playing Wall Tag LOL....that life is so incredibly short, and I am thankful that I am no longer obsessing about small things, because that is just a waste of precious time, and a distraction of moments that are priceless...

"If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change..."

Some of my Favorite Shots from Yesterday: