My favorite type of day is when it is owl light, and the rain comes pelting down, and there is no lightning, no thunder at all, and the wind is slow and sweet...

On days like this I would love to (I do not always get the chance) to stand in the rain and just feel...

Make sense?

I also love days where it has rained all night and the dawn comes with warmth and you can smell the rain / dew evaporating it is awesome...

I am a feeler...

And for so long I have felt like that has been my downfall with alot of things...

But I have decided it is not my downfall, and have embraced it full on...

The enemy has held a lie against me my whole life.....................

That depression, caused from my intensity will haunt me, or will even occur...

I suffered as a teen with loads of emotional things, and found myself wanting to end it all on more than one occasion, and then found myself on antidepressants, they messed me up alot...

Thing is God gave me this heart, and asked me to feel, and I denied many feelings within myself alot over the years, afraid to really allow myself to feel them, feeling like people would find me to intense and run, well I have a new attitude on all of it....

"Sod 'em all if they can't handle my intensity!"

I know a few of you who have waited for me to say this, and finally that day is here...

I think it better to be a person who feels with their whole being, who is genuine, who is faithful, passionate, convicted, then a cold dead shallow zombie fish!

Enjoy this song...It is exactly how I am feeling right now!

Holding Out, Holding In...

I woke up with a sort of sadness about me, and I am not entirely sure why?

Been watching this show for the heck of it, One Tree Hill, I mean it really is dumb, but this girl sang this song, and it struck a chord in me...

This Thursday I register my baby boy for SK at Lord Strathcona Public School....

Perhaps that is where some of my sadness comes from me?
He has grown so much, such an amazing boy, no longer that baby I held once in my arms, I was so scared, I had this little life in my arms, so fragile, and the whoa feeling of God giving this creation to me to raise, take care of, it was intense, as my love for him is, as the person I am...

He drives me nuts most days, I have held much stress lately because of him, but BUT I always love him, even amongst all the grief I go through with him, even with all the guilt I feel because his Daddy is always in so much pain and sometimes can not be there with him when he wants, and he is so young he does not understand, but the gift of compassion my son has and I am truly thankful for!

I am also thinking alot about why I stopped singing in front of people, and no I am not saying I am all that either, I am saying I had such passion when I sang in my heart you know, and things happened...........foolish I was I think.....

Elijah started soccer last night, he was great, and well behaved and actually got off the sidelines and actually played, last year it took a few weeks for him to warm up to play...I was so proud, as I sat in my new Canadian Chair, yes Red chair, I wanted to match his team!

I leave you with this song, that I love to sing along with, makes me teary eyed each time as well, it is beautiful...

Favorite Part:

"Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
The mold that clings like desperation
Oh mother don't you see I've got
To live my life the way I feel is right for me,
Say it's not right for you
But it's right for me..."

He apparently was doing this for about 30 minutes straight, it seems long and boring but watch the whole thing and you will definately laugh alot!!!

I am currently in recovery...

Yesterday I did the following:

- Bathed Boys
- Got Elijah off to School
- 6 loads of Laundry, 2 loads we bedding and then my couch cushion covers...
- Cleaned out Elijah's Room
- Cleaned my Room
- Dishes, put away as well
- Gathered Garbage
- Got out Food for Dinner
- General Tidy up
- Went Downtown and got Elijah from School
- returned something at a store
- shopped
- paid for Elijah's Soccer
- Got my Eyebrows Waxed
- Dealt with an impossible Elijah on the way home
- Made Dinner
- Cleaned up after dinner
- Got boys ready for bed
- Put boys to bed
- Got things ready for the next day
- watched One Tree Hill
- facebook'd
- Went to bed

That was a easy day...LOL!

I was awake a total of 18 hours yesterday, sometimes I am up for about 20 hours, and it really has not phased me over the years that this takes place...

Next week speed up to being more hectic, as I have appointments, outfits that need buying, hair that needs cutting, and groceries that need buying, not to mention the food I have to make for my Godfather's daughter's Wedding Present Opening.....

Tomorrow is mine and Jayson's 6th year Wedding Anniversary, we have also been together 8 1/2 years tomorrow...

It says for the 6th year it is Candy....hmmmm Diabetic Candy for me please LOL!

Today looks to be slow, I have to venture out to Food Basics on the hill for a couple things......taking both kids....that can be interesting LOL!

May 20th, 2009 --- Quite Scary at my Apartment Building!

At about 1:55pm I went to go retrieve Elijah from the bus outside, opened my door and went to the Elevator, was suspicious because I saw a bit of water but went in and went down, go to the basement and it was a tad flooded, I had to use some unique moves on my part to get past it all........

About 3pm the Fire Alarm goes off, I open my door, I hear what sounds like a massive waterfall, and see this:

A Pipe on the 6th floor, I am on the 4th had broke badly and was leaking down the floor through the closet there and down the Elevator, the water I had seen before was just a mild moment of the water, I was very lucky with the electricity they said that I was not harmed before, I do not believe in Luck but only in God's protection....

The water was going through the Elevator and also tripped up our Fire Alarm System and they could not turn it off, so for about an hour or so we heard a very loud " beep beep beep" and it was annoying and made my Boys rather upset, also all that water did alot of damage and went down the stairs as well, which made those stairs unsafe for anyone to use...

Needless to say the Elevator would be out, but shockingly it only took the Kone Elevator people a few hours to repair things, and it was up and running by last night, I was hesitant but used it when I got home with Elijah after going to get his Soccer Equipment, it was ok btu I braced myself as I stepped in, LOL!

Elijah is on the Red Team this year, and he actually gets to play real games, and on two different fields, so this should be an interesting Summer...

I am tired, got to bed late, and now I have loads of Laundry before I go to James Brett to get my Eyebrows waxed by my lovely friend Florida!!!

Still lots to do before Jo's Wedding, Haircut, and new outfit still needs to be purchased, after all I am singing and do want to look my Sunday best LOL, well Sunday best is jeans and a shirt so maybe Fancy Sunday best? Also have to get Jay a new dress shirt and the boys something, lots to do, plus make food for my Godfather's Daughter's Present opening party the day after her Wedding which is May 30th, Plus Elijah starts Soccer Monday night and other appointments and errands LOL...I am in for a busy two weeks!!!

Blessings.

"Oh, precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow
No other fount I know
Nothing, nothing, nothing but the blood of Jesus..."

The day he died I will always remember...

It was raining, storming, lightning...

It was dark, cold, dreary, I was in the Kitchen, washing dishes...

A Flash of Light and then a large BOOM!

It was so loud I felt my heart sink, and I knew something within the body of Christ had happened...

Later that day we found out he died that morning, that stormy morning, makes me wonder if at that precise time of the big BOOM did Jesus himself scoop up my fellow Brother in Christ up?

My heart says Yes...

He was one of the greats, Heaven just got a little brighter now!
See you again one day!

Blessings.

Today's Feelings: Melancholy

I realized that this blog is the only time I ever truly am vulnerable...
It is also my Best Friend in a sense...

Right now I am climbing my own mountain, alone, cold, and I almost forgot that I am not truly alone...

How come when we go through things in life, we almost never see the bigger picture until later on, and long after the events took place?

To me I feel like that is God's Humor in a sense, he is sitting there and shaking his head saying 'silly girl, I am right here, I know what is the outcome, and no worries...'

I am so blessed, I have watched people come to love God right before my eyes, I have witnessed on more than one occasion ordained love come into existence, I felt and then saw my two babies come into creation, I have witnessed strong willed women in my midst, and seen grown men with hardened hearts soften at the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, I have watched people I love suffer greatly and with some they still display the strength and confidence in the Father and in their Faith, I have watched alot, that is who I am, and it is so amazing for me only be 27 years old, I have seen alot, and there is still so much to see out there...

Blessings...

Went for my eye appointment yesterday, not your regular one either, it was to see if my Diabetes has affected my eyes at all, and it has not...BUT...

They told my my right eye is very bad, so bad in fact, I am only actually seeing with my left eye, and I am at huge risk to loose my sight all together in my right eye, and after that blindness in my left is at risk as well...not very encouraging words...They recommended that I go to my eye doctor(regular one) and get examined and get stronger glasses, and at all costs protect my right eye...

Here is the clincher...

I had glasses as a kid, and then my Mom told me I did not need them anymore, the doctor said that as a child I should have a patch on my good eye(as I have had this a long time) to strengthen my bad eye, and that in fact I needed glasses those years my Mother decided I did not need them, he said and I quote "sounds like neglectful parenting"...and I confirmed to him that indeed alot of things growing up were like that...I was angry, but held it in as my eyes dialated and all and Elijah and Raphael were present after I was done, I did not want them to see my true feelings in that moment, besides they were a bit of a blur...

I am trying to not be angry at God...

Does that make sense?

I mean Diabetes, then my back and neck start up and MRI here I come next month, and now my eyes...ugh...I am so tired of it all, and no one really gets how fed up I am, and I really do not think anyone wants to hear about it either, but this blog is all I have to out it all from my system...

Someone the other day was like 'oh well Joanna will be home to talk to you soon' and I wanted to punch that person, I love Jo, but she is coming home to get married here and ya not to hear me (sorry Jo, you know how I am) and in all fairness I am a grown woman who can face things on her own too, everyone seems to think I need Jo to function, and that is not the case, she is my best friend ya, and we can talk ya, and she is real, but she is not always my answer, God is my number one answer, always.....I just wish sometimes my path did not always seem so lonely...

I mean I am freaking out right now, losing even just sight in my one eye is freaking me out, maybe not big to anyone, but it is to me, I am only 27 years old, and the mere thought of losing my sight all together scares me, to never see my kids sweet faces, Elijah's bobcat smile, the light in his eyes, Raphael's little devilish grin, and his cute face he makes when he is pretending to be a doggie, and even Jay's eye's rolling at me for me being weird...

I just need prayer...and peace...

Going to a party later today, a friend of mine is throwing just on the out skirts of town, it is to celebrate Mom's, loads of food etc, it should be fun, I am making something for it LOL...

Thanks for listening to another one of my rambles...

Blessings.

PEEK

How Great is Our God

God had a message for me today...

It had been there waiting for me to receive for a long time...

It read / and sounded like this:

My Dear Child,

I love you for you, just as you are, and when you sing praises in my name, at any occasion for any occasion it does not matter to me what others think, and it should not matter to you, as long as there is love behind each word you sing, as long as there is truth, and true intent of worship, do not ever fear, sing, open your mouth and I shall give you the strength to carry through...

Be at peace in me, for I made you, and Love you Just as you are, Love God.

I guess I know my answer for Jo now... I am scared as heck, but I am gonna do it.....I am!

Whether I bomb badly, or I am awesome, I am going to do it...I owe it to me to stand up once again, and do what I love and have passion for!

Jo will still love me if I bomb or not, I am very blessed to have her in my life...

Love ya Jo!

Blessings.