The HighwayMan

Today we go to Elijah's Nursery School for the Year End Party!

I Love the fact that the sun has come out, it is so refreshing to be outside after a rainfall and the sun is beating down and you can just smell Summer!

I do not like heat or humidity however, but all the same I like the smell!

Yesterday Jo Jo and I took the boys Strawberry picking, and this morning as I stood up I felt it LOL!

From all that bending over ha ha ha.....I guess I did have quite the workout Jo!

Raphael slept, Elijah picked his own basket even, and of course you found Elijah glued to Jo every minute, and he made sure to inform Jo each and every time he found a red berry, which was every couple seconds LOL!!!

He really is good at berry picking! Anyone want to rent him LOL...Kidding!!!

We saw David there (he works there, at the Farm as a Picker LOL!), his Godfather, my little brother, not by blood, but you know......

2 weeks ago he almost died, David not Elijah! He was driving home from Sioux St. Marie and rolled his car twice, the car is a write off, and David should not of walked away scratch free, but he did and Thank God for that! I know his Angels were 'round about him and protecting him, now David has a new outlook on life and I am glad about that.....We love him dearly, I am hard on him, but maybe now he understands why.....

Anyway here is a few pictures of the car:

Wow! is what I said to the photos...........

Got a busy weekend I do...Today a Party, and Sunday is our annual Church Picnic!!!

Elijah is all excited because his Auntie Jo Jo is the Nursery supervisor this Sunday, he has already said that he is going to be her helper, which in real translation means he will be glued to her side and every 5 minutes say 'Auntie Jo Jo you wanna play with me?"......

My Favorite Poem, Enjoy:

I Got Sunshine...

My baby is beginning to not look so much like a baby anymore.....
*Kelly frowns.....

Never thought this would be me, a Mother of 2 Children at 26, Married 5 years...

Wow!

Isn't God Wonderful!

Today may be cloudy but there is lots of Sunshine in my house today!

Summer Wine...

We went to the Teddy Bear Picnic on Saturday, it was a nice day, although I am burnt to a crisp, and it hurts to get dressed in the morning.....

The Picnic was complete with Coloring stations, painting t-shirts, to teddy bear massage and shiatsu therapy!!!

'Cause you know from all that abuse from children throwing those teddy bears around they need some spa treatment too! LOL!

Yesterday was Church, and Church was well Church, typical people were not there because it seems even Christians take time off from Church in the Summer, you know all that hard work getting spiritually fed from hearing the word and fellowshipping with others and not to mention the stresses of praising and worshiping God with song!

If you haven't been able to tell I am a bit peeved today and being really sarcastic, but hey it is how I feel, and I have always felt that I need to allow myself to feel right so here I go......

I understand people working, I understand people being ill, I even understand that some of our leaders need breaks and that is why they take a vacation, but what I do not understand is those people who are like " well it is summer and ugh I just need time away from Church to relax and get rested"....Ya ok whatever! Or those people who only come on Easter and Christmas!!!! What the heck is that about!!!.........

It seems to me that going to Church is a big portion of many that makes us whole as a Christian, and if we lack in one portion we are not balanced......

Here is a thought, what is Jesus decided oh wait I am not going to die on the cross today I need to go and rest first.....like ya! He didn't, Thank God for that!!!!

I am just so sick of people playing hooky from Church because something else that is more "fun" to them has come along! As if anything could be better!

It irritates me, I mean I go every Sunday unless I am ill, and in the Summer we go from our usual 100+ people to like 40 people!!! It is just annoying....

Anyway I think you all get my point....

Tonight is Elijah's Soccer!!!!!!!!!

I am so tired...but my second wind is about to hit me soon I know it!!!!!

Made raspberry turnovers today MMMMM!!!!!!

Blessings!

Get Ready because this Post will be the Post of all Posts, intense, raw, and it will be my first time and last time writing about it………

Current Feeling: Anger

Underlying Feeling: Desperation

My Mom called yesterday, dangling the good old carrot, in case you all did not already know I have not involved my parents in my life for almost 2 years now………

There's a whole lot of singing it's never gonna be heard
Disappearing every day without so much as a word somehow
I think I broke the wings off that little songbird
She's never gonna fly to the top of the world
Right now, top of the world…..

This was my independence day, my manipulative mother was at it again, telling Jayson that he could not go into the house when me and Elijah go with her the next day to an appointment, that he had to stay in the hot trailer in the middle of a heat wave, no air conditioning….

Location: We had just arrived at my Aunt and Uncle’s for a BBQ

She conviently started this crap when my Stepdad was out of ear shot…..

Jayson tells her that it is no way to treat a guest and she gets up and goes to my Stepdad, he comes out pointing his finger and yelling, tearing him apart as a Man, Father, and a Husband, right in his face as if he is going to hit him, Jayson says “go ahead and hit me then” and he simply says “oh I want to!”……

Meanwhile Elijah is amongst all this crying, everything felt like slow motion to me, I sat there and then it felt like someone taking my hand and standing me up and I found myself in between them and told my Stepdad to “back off, you do not know what your talking about”………..

My mom sat there crying, confused to why she has to be picked on as she stated, my Aunt and Uncle look on from a distance in horror, it only gets worse from here, I scream at my Stepdad telling him I want to go home and no not his home my home in Kingston, and he threatens to take me without my belongings and I tell him no I need my things and my cat that are in his trailer, Jayson meanwhile is so mad bites his lip and blood gushes everywhere……Jay says to my mother “are you happy now?!” and she says “I did not do anything!”…….

We go home and get my things I take everything, knowing this is a step in my life that needs taking, Elijah is oblivious, quiet, we pile into the truck and head back to Kingston, everyone silent……We get here unload, I still have to go back down and get Elijah, I am shaking, I pick him up and my mom tries to kiss me as if nothing has happened, I pull away before she can, my Stepdad reams into me as “I don’t know how you can live with that man, I can’t fffffing stand him!”……

I walk to the door and look back at my mother and say “you will reap what you sow!” she begins to yell and I yell back telling her “oh no you don’t not here not on my turf!” an annoying voice is heard it is my StepDad “goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!....” he continues as if he is a little child and I look at him and say “oh F! off!” he says “I’ll remember this!” I walk inside crying cradling Elijah, at this point I am sobbing uncontrollably, I get back up stairs and Elijah is crying because he does not understand……..I could hardly breathe….that was the day I became free………

History you need to know:

My Stepdad molested me as a child and pre-teen, I tried to get help but no one believed me so I took it back making me look like the liar and they fed on that, they began to shove money my way, hush money?, they told me every day I would not find love, that I was worthless, and ugly…….I prayed for death a lot, depression was there always growing up, being put on salad diets at age 8, thrown outside naked cause I peed the bed, laughed at, humiliated, being slapped when they felt like it, they isolated me, especially after I ran away twice, I was desperate for freedom……My mom has MS, Multiple Sclerosis, after she was diagnosed life changed, and I had a predator I had no idea about……fear was my best friend, I never felt safe not for one minute with them………..

I am not exaggerating….these are not the words of a bitter daughter that was just spoiled, these are the words from a little girl that was abused in all senses and rejected….I always had to beg for a hug and the words I love you would only come when strings or conditions were attached……

I tried many times to commit suicide, I cut myself……I was screaming so loud inside, I hated myself……………..

All I had was the hope of going away to college, and I counted down the days, then I made it away from them but never fully understood what to do with that freedom, it was like I was kept in a cage for my whole life then shoved out of it and abandoned……

Met Jayson, my eyes were opened…..but it took me 7 years to truly see…..

They would try to parent Elijah tell me I was always wrong in anything I was doing, Jay and I argued a lot because of them, they were the toxic in my life……

……After August 7^th, 2006 she would call, and call, and then time would go by, she told my side of the family that Jayson abuses me, and also threatened them not to talk to me or else……..hence my Grandmother too afraid to talk to me because my Mother gives her money and security…….

IN these past 2 years I have been more happy, more me, I have transformed, finally being the me that God wants me to be, she made me dependant on her for so long, I have independence now, freedom, or do I?

She keeps calling, every month or couple of months, never wanting to take ownership, wanting to sweep it under the rug, and I refuse to do that this time, it has been the hardest decision I have ever made in my life, but it is the right decision, the safe decision for my children and my family…….

The Carrot she dangled was the “something I bought you” as if I can be bought!!!

She knows where I stand yet the games continue, feel like my life is in play mode and when she pulls this someone hits pause!

I feel a lot of rage, a lot of pain, I am currently working through that, but there are times where the rage gets so bad I can not swallow or breathe, all I can think of is my kids and their safety…..

The sad thing is I do not think I ever loved my Stepdad, nope I didn’t….I love her still, only the good parts, but it can never be the way it was, I am no longer walking backwards, I am going forward………

I am grieving too, my family has turned their backs on me, I have lost, but I have gained so much! She never (my mom) never really knew me nor wanted to I guess…..

She is threatening to come here tomorrow, I won’t be here I got things to be done like errands etc, she asked me to call her back, and I am not going to! I am done with the games, the abuse……..

I spent 24 years of my life being abused, being beat down, no more!

I am still on my journey to being healed…I know the day will come where there will be no more rage, or pain, but at the present time it is high and the wound still raw and the salt keeps being rubbed in…..

There is so much more I did not write about…..but this I think is enough for you all to understand where I am coming from……..

I wrote this:

In the silence it finds me...
The quilt, the pain, the anger...
It sweeps upon me like a hungry predator that hasn't ate for days...
It takes one move and it's sharp teeth snap my neck...
It is hard to breathe...
The only thing comforting is the sight of my own blood...
A reminder that I exist, atleast until this predator devours me and finishes me off...
Tears won't help any longer; screaming only makes the predator more aggressive...
Attempts of my stretched out fingers clawing at the floor to get away only seems to accomplish nothing except making them bleed...
The feeling of surrender washes over me, and I become still, I lay there, eyes closed, and I open...
The predator stops unsure of what is happening, taken back at the lack of my struggle...
Then the unpredictable happens...
Peace, Freedom, and Prayer...A wind is blown into me...my breathe returned...
The predator cringes at my words, it hisses at my outward expression of acceptance, and embrace of God's Will...
The predator begins to back away, afraid, unsure, trembling at the sight of my healing...
The wound on my neck no longer bleeding, my fingers dry and no evidence of a struggle...
My eyes open, I sit up, and look at the predator now shaking in the corner...
I rise, and slowly walk towards it, slowly reaching out my hand...
As I get closer the predators' image starts to change...
As I become face to face with this predator that once seemed so lethal and menacing I notice something...
I recognize it...
It is a child...shaking and in fear...she is naked and alone, she bears wounds across her body...She wears many scars, as if they were her clothing...
My hand connects with hers, there's a flash of light I am blinded, and a wave of realization washes over me...
It is me, the child; it is me, who I was...
I was my own predator...

I do not know what tomorrow is going to bring my family, but I do know I have one thing and that is God's protection!

He will not leave me nor forsake me!

Soccer

Elijah plays on the Purple Team, He is #6...

This is his first real game,
and first time he has participated 110%...

(Voices you hear are Joanna, Myself, and Judy/Anna Donevan!)




~On Break here is Elijah and Ben (the Coaches Son) Practicing~!

It was 3-2 for us and then the game was called because of
thunder and lightning Awwwww!

Thankful

So, this weekend has been pretty wild....Saturday I went to Jo's Bridal Shower and that was an eye opener....how? you may ask, well God revealed a few things to me...

The First time Jo left for Australia it seemed after she left that I was stripped of everyone around me, and then the situation with my parents happened and I felt very alone, and angry...

But God showed me through that it made me stronger and less dependent on others, he taught me how to fly so to speak even when I was afraid of heights....

That was a hard year....

Jo came home and her and I became and are very close, I literally think of her as a second Mother to my children, and a sister to me.....

Soon she will head out again and this time it will probably be longer than a year but this time I will not be alone....

At the Shower God revealed to me that through Jo I have formed new found friendships with people like Aphra, Michelle, and April......(Mianh too but she will be gone to New Zealand, she is neat!)...

I don't make friends easily, not that I am horrid but you know......I AM PRETTY INTENSE!

But at the Shower I found myself getting into a intelligent conversation with Aphra and her really listening and caring about what I was saying, and Michelle with her appreciation for seeing me being so very genuine, and April's big smile, she is the type of girl that when she makes a friend she is committed 100%......

And let's not forget about Heather!!!
Yes she is older than me, she has teens for kids LOL, but through past experiences have brought us together with commonalities to bond on, and I am thankful for that...

So I felt a little nudge from God saying...'see you are worthy, you silly girl, and this time you will not be alone in flight'......

It brought me great joy, and still does, I will miss Jo so much it will ache alot, but BUT! this time he has brought people to me, he has brought me friends....

And for that I am truly THANKFUL!

To Make you Feel My Love

This is my Grandmother....

(You'll notice a previous post I had a picture of me as a child sitting in a chair and I was unhappy, this is from the same day, but look how I changed when with her...)

Growing up as a child she was my light, what made me feel safe, I had very few safe moments.....

I miss her....

No she is not dead, but about 2 years ago I had to make a stand for my family and in doing so I paid a price, and now because of fear on her part, she is not a part of my life........

I Love her very much, and everyday I think of her and Pray she can feel my Love, and see through the lies that have been told to her.......

I hate to say it but I feel that the next time we see each other will be in Heaven, she is almost 75 yrs old.......

I don't expect you all to understand, what happened 2 years ago is a whole 'nother post....

But this is how I feel for her...

"I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love..."

This is her on one of the last times I saw her...

I Love you Nan...

Passion

One of my coping mechanisms is music, singing....

For as long as I can remember anytime I was sad or depressed or even ok music was there, I was there, many nights spent in my 10 by 15 jail cell (my childhood room) and I would sit next to my stereo and sing any song that would play...

It served as a coping tool and a distraction tool, I mean I can remember one of my Barbie doll looking step-sisters telling me when I was little that I couldn't sing because I could never memorize the words, well after she told me that I memorized everything and joined the Church Choir, which consisted of me young and the rest over 65!

When I sing it brings me such joy, but I suppose the downfall from 'coping' with music through hard times especially is when I hear those songs now...it triggers the memories of those intense emotions I was feeling during that time....

I spent alot of time avoiding those songs, but now my outlook has changed, I embrace them, they are apart of me, and remind me what I cam from and how strong I am now...

Music is still a tool for me, I am very passionate about music, and singing well I have had a block up for a while, I use to sing in public in front of people but that darn block, you know...

I was in a Church Group called Daystar where I was the oldest for a change, and it was good, but I felt like the only passionate one there, when I sing I give it everything no hold backs.....Especially when worshiping God, what a release that can be to just surrender to him and be singing out Praise....

I am not writing all of this to tell that sop story about my horrible childhood, but you have to understand that I spent alot of my time trying to hide that part of me from people, so no one ever really knew me.....

I am just now seeing things so clearly...and just now being delivered from it from God...

Healing doesn't always happen overnight, it can but not in my case...I got 24 years to work through and sort out........I am 26, your wondering what does she mean 24? Well something happened 2 years ago, something that changed my world, and I leapt in faith, and that is a whole 'nother post!

What are your passions in life? What are your coping tools?

'This I Promise you...'

When I was younger, much younger, not that I am old LOL...

But anyway...

I never thought in a million years I would achieve any of what I have, nor experienced any of what I have come across...

I use to think I would never find a man who loves me for me, nor have a child let alone 2 children......

I have seen many come to Christ, I have seen many miracles...

I have met some pretty amazing people...

My Faith has been tested at times and I have danced through those storms...

I know at times it might seem like my life seems complicated, and many have felt the need to pity me or feel sorry for me....

Even people in my Church community have made remarks on that I should leave Jayson because of his decline in his disability...

When I was pregnant with Raphael there were even a few people that asked me why I bothered bringing a life into the world like this...I was baffled, I mean Jay did not start to decline until after I was pregnant but still it would of not stopped me, God ordained my pregnancy, he allowed it to happen, and Raphael is such a joy...those people obviously do not know what it is like to stand by their spouse through sickness and health, nor understand true love, unconditional love.....

Sure I have a few more 'hats' as a Mom to wear at times, but I am ok with it, if the tables were turned I would want the same from Jayson and I know he would be there just like I am......

When it comes down to it, I am happy, I feel content with everything, sure I get tired, but like I always say I will sleep one day LOL....and if not one day when I am dead LOL!

Today at Church someone I highly respect did something so completely childish, he acted like my three year old......he sat down in Elijah's seat and of course Elijah is 3 and he did what most 3 year olds do...he said "hey that's my seat" and this person said " well fine then ugh be that way!" and he stormed off away from us at Coffee Hour, he has been stressed out but that is no way to treat a three year old especially one 3 year old that adores you......ugh! It made me mad...

Anyway Elijah fell in the Nursery today and has since complained about his arm, his right one, I think he sprained it since he holds it constantly and will not let anyone touch it...please pray...

This week looks busy! Yay for me!

Blessings.

Flashes of Lightning, Rolls of Thunder.

What do you see when you look at this picture?

The Girl in this picture wore this look on her face alot growing up...

Her parents bought her lots of toys thinking it would say the words their mouths could not...

And those words they would never truly feel...

Was this kid a brat? I mean they bought her things she should smile in the picture! or should she?

At a very young age this little girl learned to numb herself from everything, she knew nothing but pain, and feelings of unworthiness...

She would never feel safe growing up, fear would become her best friend.......

She only wanted to feel love, real love, she wanted to feel safe, and worthy...

Do you see her scars?

She will carry many, both inflicted and given to her...

But after 19 years of hell, she finally met someone that loved her for her and made her feel safe....

January 24th, 2001....She became a Christian...And she has a new outlook on life...

And this is her/my story:

I have made a realization that I was indeed raised by a pack of wolves. Not you’re average K9 kind, the ones out for blood, the ones full of hate, and the ones out to wash the darkness of fear amongst all and any they could taint.

I may have been raised by a pack of wolves but did that define me? Does it define me now? I was diluted to think it did for many years, and the secret, the truth that I was really indeed a sheep of the great shepherd was kept from me. The light was the one thing that caused the pack to be afraid, and the great shepherd was indeed the light they were afraid of.

When your raised to know only darkness, and only to know only a certain way of life, that the hunt, to prey on the innocent, you know no different, you know of no other way. It wasn’t until the pack put me through my rite of passage that I had a glimpse of beauty and I began to question the ways that had been ingrained into me for many years.

I had always been different amongst the other wolves, never actually intending to hunt, never wanting to see them finish off their victims, never wanting to hate. I tried to hide my indifference, but after they had sent me out for my rite of passage in the world, they could smell the indifference and it was only a matter of time before they would discover me and turn on me.

To finally see the truth, to see who I was actually, to meet other sheep who wanted and desired the same freedom I did, was the most scariest and the most exciting time. But fear played into my delay of fully breaking free from the pack. The pack would not let me part from them so easily, or painlessly.

I was learning that the term the good shepherd used “cup of suffering”, and that my act of drinking from it meant so much more than I had realized, although I was fully committed and serious about it. The good shepherd never said it would be easy to be a sheep in his flock. In fact he told me that even afterwards the wolves would always hunt us, but his light would always envelope us and we would never be forsaken by him. He assured me even when the pain seemed too much, and when the keening took over he would be there next to me, I would never be alone. He told me from such pain he would turn into such strength in me.

It was a painful day, on that day; they tried to rip me to pieces as I parted from them. Tears flowed down my face, blood was washed over my body, open wounds decorated my appearance, but I parted from the pack just the same, all that keep my mind off the pain was the good shepherds enduring promise. As I lay at the foot of the green pasture the shepherd approached me, he lifted my broken body and carried me into the middle of the flock. He held me, for to me seemed like an eternity, he let me cry, he let me scream, the keening did take over at times, but he never left me, nor did the flock. After he took his robe and placed it over my body and I slept in his arms and when I awoke, the blood, and the tears were all gone. I had been washed clean. He had kept his promise. He had not left me, the flock was still all around me, and now I was one of them, I was who I was meant to be. I had been a lost sheep astray from the good shepherd and now I had come home.

Blessings.

"The Word is Alive.....

.......and it cuts like a Sword through the Darkness!"

(My title and the above is a line from the song 'The Word is Alive' by Casting Crowns...)

A Beautiful Song!

And such truth in that line alone!

Words have such power, whether we are Christians or Non-Believers, words have power, but the 'The Word' as in 'The Word of God' is the most powerful tool ever written...

And if taken in, and we educated ourselves in the Word , we are prepared for any situation that may come our way or that the Father delivers us into...

It is a guide to live by, history, a rock to lean on, and a testament of the Father's love for us......

There are so many components that the Father wants us to know, he wants us to put on our armor everyday, he wants us to Praise him, he wants us to fellowship with others, he wants us to show his glory, and he wants us to be able to share the word to all, whether it be to believers or non-believers, he wants us to spread the Gospel!

Scripture even says that a mere whisper of the name Jesus makes the power of darkness tremble...

We need to 'arm' ourselves, equip ourselves with the word, and always be prepared...

Words have power in themselves, what we say about each other, or about events etc have power we are meant to uphold people, bless them, not curse them or speak death into their lives....

And so if we are armed with the right words we will be prepared, whether to share our faith with others, praying, or embarking on Spiritual Warefare as I have found myself doing lately......

The way I see it is like this, we can have our armor all on etc, but if we lack the knowledge of the Word how can we ever be prepared to go into 'battle'? In battle it is not all about the physical side of things, but mentally we have to be there....

I always thought 'oh well I sort of know about the bible, I really don't need to read it much, I am still a Christian so ya...'

I was wrong and foolish, I still needed that nourishment and knowledge for my soul, and my brain LOL!

"With A Message Of Life To The Hopeless And Afraid
Breathing Life Into All Who Believe..."

(another line in the song)

The Word is Life, Jesus is the living Word, and he did breathe life into us, and the way I see it we need to keep nourishing ourselves with that word, and to keep on breathing...